Over this winter break I ended up doing a lot of thing. Like went shopping, went out with friends, saw my cousin Anissia, and open presents. That’s just some of the stuff I did. Although I would have to say that I liked being able to see my cousin Anissia was the best thing out of all the things that I did. While she was out here we didn’t get to do too much. Since she had to go home just a couple days after she got out here. But I had fun doing all the stuff that we got to do. We didn’t really get to do anything to fun we pretty much just got to do little stuff.
Anissia got to the airport on December 22,08. So, that’s when my grandma and me went to the airport to go pick her up. Then we just went back to our grandmas’ house to hang out and then we both slept over there. We were both pretty lazy while she was out here. Like we played RockBand a lot while she was out here. We also ended up making a gingerbread house. Which came out a lot better then last years gingerbread house. Then on Christmas day we woke up and then went up stairs and then opened the presents that we got. We also went shopping a couple times while she was out here. Then on December 26,08 the day she had to go home we went to a cemetary to take pictures while the snow was still on them because it looks pretty. Then we went to a family dinner and my brother and sister in laws house. Then our grandma took her to the airport so she could go home. That’s pretty much all we did while she was here even though it doesn’t sound to fun I had a lot of fun while she was out here.
So, as you can see we didn’t do that much together while she was here. Although it was so exciting being able to get to see her. Since I don’t get to see her very often at all because she lives in California. That’s why I have fun doing pretty much doing nothing its just fun being able to sit there and talk to her. Even if your family lives far or close to you you should appreciate every time that you get to spend with them. Since you never know when you won’t be able to see them again. So love every minute of time you get to spend with your family.
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Your essay had a central focus, but needed a story focus. I need to to start to vary your sentences and realy try to use word shoice that will strengthen your story. I am excited to see what you can do with a structured essay.
ReplyDeleteAudience and Purpose: 3
Format: Missing heading 3
TOtal 40/50 80%
i could relate to your story becasue i had a friend come back from the navy.i hung out with him alot.anothter thing that stood out to me was how you said that family was important,i beleive that it is important to be there for them like they are you.for your story being so well thought and organized,you did have some grammer mistakes.so i could relate to your story because i hung out with a friend that came back from the navy and believing in family is very important.
ReplyDeleteYour story was pretty interesting and entertaining. There are somethings you need to work on though. You need to use different types of punctuation so the story flows better. Also, there was a few grammar mistakes. I could relate to your story because spending time with family is important to me too. Something that stood out to me was you and your cousin taking pictures in a cemetary.
ReplyDeleteYour story is very well written. All i would suggest is reading this out loud to your self.i noticed that you have alot of good word usage. i wonder if you could write another story about this. i really liked your story though.
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